2019 I lost my child through an induced abortion. Eventhough it was my decision, it is a loss. And the sadness about it has a heavy load. I excepcted the sadness to vanish. But it stays. It comes in waves and it comes from deep inside. When I speak with other people - women and men - who experienced an induced abortion, this pain is in the space. People feel the pain even decades after. And this seems to be important. It reminds to the fact, that we were parents. There was a pregnancy. There was a child growing, a new life. A member of the family. And it is gone - irrevocably. It is death. It went back to the cycle of life. And I'm here with this experience and I'm not alone with it.
After the abortion I was empty on many levels. The meaning of this experience trickled slowly in my awareness. Many times I was shocked. How could this have happen?! How it came, that I did something like that?! I've never regret this decision. Eventhough these quest-ions are with me. How can I kill my baby?! What are the circumstances that make it possible, that life is destroyed?! What are the circumstances that allows the destruction of life?! I'm life too. How can I kill myself? My research starts with this quest-ion.
During my journey as a possibilitator I go through Emotional Healing Processes (EHP). I dive into the vast realms of my inner structure, my old decisions, energetic blocks, emotions and beliefsystems. I reveal my survival mechanisms. One of them is to kill my aliveness. Literally. There are many ways I kill my aliveness. One is not following my impulses. I even don't sense them, because I installed a mechanism, that suppress them before I can get them. To express them is dangerous. It is important to suppress them in order to be save. Sometimes I even suppress my impulse to pee. This aspect shows, that I don't really take care about myself. And taking care about ones needs is an adult competence. I don't really take care about myself because I learned, that I'm not important. My needs are not important. I learned to suppres them in order to be save. But savety is an illusion. It's time to wake up and to reveal these old patterns. They made sense when I needed to survive as a small child. Now I'm adult. And I want to change. I want to change killing myself and my aliveness. I do experiments. My good girl box freaks out. I withdraw. I try again. But it is so hard. There is so much fear holding me back. There are so many blocks making me choosing the easy way. For me the easy way is to adapt. To give my center away. Not to put the poo on the table. To be silent and nice. Fuck it! Yes it needs a whole bunch of anger to fuck it. To take my autorithy back. To keep going and to build up matrix for new choices and possibilities. To be truly alive means to take a risk. To be centered, grounded and bubbled to connect.
To be truly alive means to take bold decisions and make the impossible possible. To incorporate new identities - self choosen identities, of course! To be truly alive means also to have high level fun. There is no more sense in creating low drama. For example the low drama of being a victim of the circumstances, of the man who didn't want to have the child, or of my own weakness. Low drama can also be to blame others. To be truly alive means to take responsibility and in my case also to take back my expectations. Expectations are the soil for resentment. And this is low drama too. To be truly alive means to be vulnerable and to feel anger, sadness, fear and joy. Forget about your make up. Sometimes true aliveness is a mess. To be surrounded in this moment with loving people is healing. There is no more holding back needed. There is being to being connection. True and alive. And then you step into the void beyond emptiness. It is possible. I experienced that. And that's why I'm here now. I'm here to hold space for this kind of healing. Coming from this deep pain, facing it, going through and entering peace.
How about you? What are your strategies of killing your aliveness, suppress your impulses, neglect your needs and adapt to others? Are you aware of the price you pay? I'm sure it gets higher and higher. Your aliveness is at stake. And the world needs your aliveness. You fully express yourself! Where are you holding back? Are you ready to take a risk? To step into the unknown? Because this is the way of being truly alive. You don't know because there is nothing to know. Only to feel, to be, to experience. Fully alive. I want to meet you there. Are you in?
